Escape from the Pantanal

The part of my trip that I looked most forward to was visiting the Pantanal. Unfortunately, this was the most disastrous part of the trip! Despite that, I still crack up every time I think of my escape from the pantanal.

(Mom and dad - if you are reading this, stop now! There are some things you don't want to know!)

I had priced a few pantanal tours before heading there, but decided to wait and book once I arrived at the Campo Grande bus station (all the travel guides claimed that this was easy to do .... it wasn't). Forgetting the mantra "You get what you pay for" I decided to go cheap and book a budget tour. The nice girl at the bus station that sold me the tour explained that it was a rugged farm and not a hotel, sleeping was barrack-style in bunks, there was a shared bathroom, and there was electricity for only about 4 hours a day. I convinced myself that this would be a good idea. Silly me!

From Campo Grande, I took the bus to Buraco das Piranhas (Piranha hole) and waited for my tour to pick me up. Basically, the bus drops you off on the highway close to the middle of nowhere (there is a pay phone, forest ranger station, and drink stand). I sat in the sun (with a big box of rations that the tour girl put on the bus with me) for almost 2 hours before my tour arrived.

I was greeted by a ragged pickup truck. It had benches strapped on to it with fraying rope and 4 "girls" in the back. There was a footstep underneath the truck and I was supposed to shove my foot 4 inches under the truck, pull myself up, and swing my leg over a fence that was built on the gate of the truck. Yeah, right. Sure. That was going to happen!

Because I was too uncoordinated to climb up over the flimsy fence put around the back of the truck bed, I got to ride in the front seat. It was difficult to find a place to put my feet, since most of the floor had been rusted out. Between me and the driver was an oil can that leaked, dripping oil down the side of my leg when we went over a big bump.

The driver, who was also the owner of the fazenda (farm), could only speak Portuguese. I speak very little Portuguese. It didn't matter that I didn't know what he was saying. The truck was so loud I could barely hear him, and enough dust to choke me was coming up from the floorboards and through the window that didn't have glass.

It was dark by the time we were back at the farm. I was handed a bottom sheet and shown my bed. No top sheet, no blanket, no pillow. The mattress was oddly warped from body dents on both sides. Lovely. I had been told that there were separate areas for men and women to sleep. I pictured two bunk houses. It was actually the left row of bunks were for women and the right row were for the men (who also consisted of the farm hands, tour guides, and cook).

After dinner we had a campfire. At the campfire, we were promised caipirinhas, but instead got straight cachaça - which was passed around in a single cup for 9 people! (us 5 women, the owner Durvan, his son Flavio (who was also a guide), another guide Rodrigo, and the cook). Durvan and Flavio acted like they hadn't seen women in years and kept staring at and brushing up against all 5 of us women and tried to get us really drunk. It was pretty creepy - good thing there was safety in numbers. The single cup passed around in a big circle, and if one of us women passed it without drinking, Flavio would try to force us to drink. We got to the point where we would put the cup to our mouths and pretend to drink just to keep Flavio away from us.

Flavio had a crush on one of the French girls. She didn't speak any Portuguese, so she asked me if I could tell Flavio that she wasn't interested. I conveyed the message, but he didn't seem to care. Finally she asked me if I would pretend to be her girlfriend, hoping he would get the message. That seemed to help - a little.

During the evening, Flavio and Rodrigo got into an argument. I don't know if I had too much to drink or didn't know enough words in Portuguese, but I convinced myself that Flavio was threatening to chop up Rodrigo and feed him to the piranhas, because nobody would ever find the body. This was not a comforting thought! Finally, the men passed out and we could go to bed.

I woke up early the next morning and took a 2 hour walk at sunrise (the bed was killing my back, so I couldn't have slept longer if I wanted). By the time I came back, everyone else was waking up and getting ready for breakfast. I went to use the toilet, and it was full of a brown murky liquid. I flushed it thinking somebody before me didn't flush, but then it refilled with the same brown murky liquid. I realized that it must be river water. After flushing, I hopped in the shower. It wasn't until I was rinsing shampoo out of my hair that I realized that the big cistern providing water to the shower had a pipe that ran directly to the toilet. I was showering in the same brown murky water. EEwwwww! So much for a clean and refreshing shower!

The four girls were on the last day of their tour and were scheduled for a horseback ride. Because it was my first full day, I was schedule for a nature walk. They got stuck with Flavio, I got Rodrigo. Flavio was icky and creepy - Rodrigo was nice, "safe" and really cute! ... and he spoke a decent amount of English. He and I had a nice 4-hour walk. I saw all sorts of animals and got great pictures, and we talked about the camp. He confirmed that my interpretation of the evening's argument was pretty close to what was said. That did not make me feel comfortable. I told him I was a bit uneasy about staying at the farm by myself after the girls left today, if no new tourists arrived. He told me that he was getting a bad energy from the place, but assured me that he would protect me from Flavio, or he would help me escape if I wanted to leave early. He even told me what time the last bus of the day passes Buraco das Piranhas.

We got back to the farm in time for a late lunch and an afternoon nap. While I was trying to nap on a hammock, Flavio and Rodrigo argued again. I saw Flavio show Rodrigo his knife - and not in a friendly way. A little bit later on, Rodrigo told me that my afternoon activity was piranha fishing - and that Flavio was insisting on taking me and didn't want Rodrigo to go. YIKES!!!!!!!!

I flashed Rodrigo a look of panic! He didn't look thrilled either. I told him "Let's go!" He told me to tell Durvan that I was sick. In my broken Portuguese, I told him I was very sick and needed a doctor. I must have been pounding my chest to emphasize the point, because he asked if it was my heart. I seized this opportunity and shook my head yes, then emphasized that I thought my heart was dying (I didn't know how to say heart attack) and that I needed a doctor or hospital.

That got him running. He got the truck started while I tossed all my clothes into my bag. Rodrigo packed too, claiming that he needed to stay with me on the bus in case I needed help. The drive to the highway was about 45 minutes on a dirt "road", but the bus was due to arrive in about a half hour. Every time Durvan started to slow down because of road conditions, I would clutch my chest, grimace, and moan in pain. That would cause him to speed up again.

We arrived at the highway just as the bus came into view. Two minutes later, Rodrigo and I were boarding the bus to Bonito. I found a seat on the bus and broke out into giggles, which turned into laughs, until tears were streaming down my face. Just thinking about faking a heart attack to leave the scary farm in the Pantanal started the giggles all over again. Every now and then, Rodrigo would make eye contact with me from across the bus and we would both break out in laughter. I giggled most of the 5 hour bus ride to Bonito.

Even though my "cheap" 4d/3n tour was shortened to a 1d/1n tour (I didn't even ask for a refund) I still crack up when I think about it!